COURT HEARING TRANSCRIPT
In the Superior Court of Detroit, Michigan
Case: Built (Plaintiff) v. Bought (Defendant)
Court Clerk: All rise. The case of built versus bought is now in session. With the honorable Judge, Pontiac GTO, presiding.
The Judge: Please be seated. Council, Today’s hearing is extremely important and the outcome will be critical to the future of our community. Plaintiff, please state your case.
Built: “Your Honor, and members of the jury. We are here today to prove that the true definition of a ‘restomod’ isn’t just about the final product; it’s about the connection between the machine and its creator. Our opponent will show you shiny paint and turn-key reliability is all that matters. NO! And we will show you the inescapable truth: that you can only truly ‘own’ something if you know exactly how it was built, piece by piece, with your own two hands, blood, sweat, and oftentimes, tears. Built not bought is more than a slogan, it’s a way of life.
The Judge: You may be seated. Bought, do you have an opening statement?
Bought: “Members of the jury. The prosecution has painted a quaint little picture of garage heroism. You see, we’re here today to put an end to the endless browbeating of Mr. Built. His slogans and stickers litter our streets with “Built not bought”, and they are hurled at us like a battle cry. But let’s be clear: ‘Built’ is an emotional argument. ‘Bought’ is a smart decision. A prudent man does not go to the steel mill to make his own silverware; he goes to the store and buys them. Buying a restomod from a reputable builder isn’t about skipping the work; it’s about paying for certainty. Our opponent pitches you a dream; we sell you a finished car that starts every single time you turn the key.”
The Judge: I agree, it’s time we put this silly dispute behind us for the good of hotrodding. Let’s proceed please.
Built: Thank you, your honor. I love being first.
Bought: Hard to be first when you never run.
Built: Objection, the witness is combative.
The Judge: Objection stands. Bought, answer the questions and please, don’t be a wise-ass.
Built cross examining Bought
Built: Mr. Bought, you testified that you purchased your 1970 Dodge Charger from Buythecar.com for a “killer deal”. You called it a “mechanical marvel”. Is this true?
Bought: It is. And the car show awards on my wall prove it.
Built: I’m sure they do. And the last award was for “Best Paint”, is that right?”
Bought: Obviously.
Built: So when asked how many coats of clear were applied to your Plum Crazy Purple paint job, what was your response?
Bought: We went with six coats of clear, of course.
Built: Ah ha! We! Sir, you said we! Did you have a mouse in your pocket, or were you referring to the speedshop in St. George, Utah that laid down that spectacular paint job?
Bought: No! I…
Built: Brilliant response! Of course, we’re going to continue under the assumption that there’s not a gallon of bondo hiding beneath that paint. At the Restomods Cars and Coffee show, you were asked what size cam you ran in the Blueprint 426 Gen Three Hemi. And what was your response?!
Bought: I told them it was a meaty cam…
Built: No sir, you said, and I quote, “It’s got a nasty cam. Pretty sure it’s a three quarter race cam.” Sir, what is a three quarter race cam?
Bought: It, It, It… makes the mean, chop-chop sound!
Built: My god! You don’t know, do you. You don’t know what’s under that paint, or worse, what’s even under the hood. Sir, do you even know how to fill the tank?!
Bought: Of course I do!
Built: Then, One. Last. Question. If your modern EFI system blew a simple 15-amp fuse while driving down the freeway, what would be your first step in repairing this mean ass Mopar!?
Bought: I guess I’d call AAA first…
Built: You would call AAA!? You bought a six figure restomod, and you are entirely defeated by a ten-cent piece of plastic? You aren’t a driver, sir. You are a curator of someone else’s talent.
Bought: How dare you! That’s not true!
Built: No, sir! It is true! Only you can’t handle the truth!
The Judge: ORDER! ORDER IN THE COURT! Built, take the stand.
Bought cross examining Built
Bought: Mr. Built, you stated earlier that you chose to build your 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle so you could, “save money and do it right?” At least, that’s what you told your wife?
Built: Yep. I’m damn good with a wrench and a shop would charge me a fortune.
Bought: How admirable of you, sir. Let’s see here. You told your wife that you’d budgeted $25,000 to buy and build this machine. Is that correct? “It’ll be a quick engine swap and simple paint job.” Is that what you told her?
Built: Well, yeah. That was the initial budget.
Bought: Please let the record show that this conversation with your wife occurred on May 23, 2019. Right after you pushed her minivan into the driveway, which, at that time, was free of oil stains. Mr. Built, can you please explain what “While I’m in here” is to the court?
Built: (sweating) It’s just… you know. You take the fenders off to do the engine, and you see a little surface rust, so you think, “While I’m in here, I might as well smooth the firewall.”
Bought: And once the firewall is smooth, you think, “While I’m in here, I might as well upgrade to a QA1 coil over suspension kit with Baer disc brakes” yes?
Built: Of course! It’ll handle better. It’s a safety issue!
Bought: Sure. But that was only the front end of the car. What about the rear end? Those rear quarters were rotten, prompting you to buy a $2,500 mig welder, then sign up for night classes at the community college to learn how to use it.
Built: I was expanding my skillset!
Bought: I submit to the court Exhibit 4: A photograph of your garage, taken yesterday. Can you identify the large, monolithic shape covered in a dusty blue tarp, next to your lawnmower?
Built: That’s… my Chevelle.
Bought: Is the 454 big block in it?
Built: No.
Bought: Is the Tremec 5 speed installed?
Built: It’s mocked up.
Bought: It has been nearly six years, you have spent $46,000, your wife’s van has been parked in the snow for five winters, and your car is currently a very expensive, very sad storage shelf. No further questions, Your Honor.
Built: You’re twisting my words! BUILT NOT BOUGHT!
The Judge: ORDER! Having heard the passionate arguments from both the Prosecution for ‘Built’ and the Defense for ‘Bought,’ this Court finds that both sides have proven their cases beyond a reasonable doubt.
Built. Your passion is unmatched, and your sweat equity is legally binding. However, you cannot deny the tortuous emotional distress of a five-year project creep.
Bought. Your financial predictability and instant gratification are highly attractive assets. Yet, you thinking that a three quarter race cam lies inside that fire breathing Blueprint 426 is disheartening, to say the least.
But as Judge, I find this to be a split decision. In our community, it’s not about whether it was built or bought, it’s about whether or not. Whether or not you’re helping to resurrect classic American muscle cars. So long as you’re behind the wheel, cruising the streets, ensuring the survival of classic American muscle cars, whether built or bought, YOU are entitled to be considered a true hotrodder.
